Recall that the Intercountry Adoption program in Ventura County was the one and only county in all of California to benefit from state funds to operate? Well, soon after Jennifer’s arrival we learned that California was going to discontinue its support and the county would be out of the intercountry adoption business. We could, however, make application right away for another child in a race to beat the closing deadline.
So we dove into the tedious paperwork process including another round of home-study interviews. By now we were well acquainted with our social worker. In truth, she could have written her evaluation without our participation but for one minor detail. During our last interview she paused and asked the one question we hadn’t covered. Was our next child to be girl or a boy? At that time it was possible to state a preference. Later rules allowed the choice of a boy or girl on your first adoption while subsequent adoptions were based on available children and their needs. Lora immediately answered it was to be a girl—I looked at her and said, “I want a son.” Our social worker, with a slight smile on her face, suggested we take a break to discuss our differences!Lora explained that a girl would benefit from having an older sister and share a room as she had done with her twin sister, Lorna. She could also use her older sister’s hand-me-downs and we could save on the expense. Lora provided good, logical reasons for another girl except I wanted a son. Lora was sensitive to my wishes and we agreed on the spot that our next child would be a boy. We could not submit our final adoption paperwork until Jennifer’s legal adoption was complete in April, 1984.
Here, again, we believe there was a plan at work. Going through Ventura County for adoption was less expensive and therefore desirable. We were going to be able to adopt both of our children through this program before its closure. Also, remember the two couples who had gone through domestic adoption and were fighting for custody? (See “Crossroads” post) On the day we went to court to formally adopt Jennifer we knew one of those two couples was to be there to finalize the adoption of their little girl. They asked us not to acknowledge them during our wait outside the court because the birth parents did not know them by sight. Our greeting, using their names, would have told the birth parents who to approach before losing their custody rights in this final court appearance. We made the right decision!
We were now in the “hurry up and wait” period, again. We received approval for placement of a healthy male infant under the age of six months without delay. The next step would be the child referral. His name would be Michael Lee. Lee is my middle name and we both liked Michael. Now we needed his referral to put a face with the name.
Michael was born on July 23, 1984. He was 6 pounds, 9 ounces and 19 ¼ inches long. His birth parents were a young unmarried couple and did not plan to marry. He was placed for adoption on July 28th.
Here is where I want to explain a little about the Korean culture so that you have a better understanding of how a child like Michael is placed for adoption. The Korean culture is very old and proud. A big part of this proud way of life is the “blood line”. A child, born of a marriage between two Korean adults becomes a member of the family’s blood line, pure and unadulterated. A child, like Michael, does not have the marriage requirement and will not unless the couple marries or the father recognizes the child by providing some sort of support. The father will not give this support, typically, because by doing so it legitimizes the family ties. If the child is the offspring of a bi-racial marriage it cannot be recognized in the family. Additionally, the child of one man will not be accepted by a new husband in the event of the father’s death or divorce. And finally, because of the male dominance in the workplace, a single mother will often find it impossible to provide for her child and will relinquish the child for adoption.
A domestic adoption, in Korea, has been done by couples unable to have their own children. It is, however, a rare occurrence because of the blood issue. Couples have been known to move to an area away from family and friends so that the “pregnancy” can produce a child complete with the mother-to-be wearing padding to simulate being with child, etc.
We did not learn of Michael’s existence until October, 1984, nearly a year after Jennifer came home. As you might guess, it appears our process was moving quickly but when you are waiting parents nothing seems quick! Our expectation, based on our Jennifer experience, was we might be parents of our son sometime around the New Year? On November 15, about a month after receiving his referral we were awakened by a knock at the front door. When we opened the door there stood our social worker with a grin. Without any explanation she said, “How about tomorrow?” Wow!
We had spent months preparing Jennifer’s room. Before her arrival we had a crib, dressing table, a chest with clothes and diapers, and a closet full of more clothes. For Michael, we had nothing! Never did we anticipate he would be arriving so soon and we actually had counted on Christmas to supply some of the essentials through gifts. We now had to scramble and get ready in twenty-four hours. Fortunately, the adoption support group came to our rescue with the necessities of bringing Michael home. Still, I was assembling his borrowed crib at 11:00 p.m. the night before.
The scene at the airport was familiar with our family and adoptive parents mingling with nervous anticipation. Michael’s flight, like Jennifer’s, had cleared customs and immigration in Seattle so our wait would be brief once he landed. When the plane door opened our social worker had permission to go aboard to get Michael. Shortly, she returned through the door and placed Michael into my arms—I had my son!
The first few days are now a blur but the first few months were memorable. It’s not fair to draw comparisons of our children’s behavior but the difference here was like night and day. I’m including it in our story because it points to our expectations and how we handled/mishandled the unexpected. Where Jennifer had been quiet and content Michael was demanding and wanted to be held all the time. Lora has said his cry was like he was mourning the loss of his foster mother’s embrace and there was nothing we could do to salve the pain. There were times we felt we had made a very serious mistake adopting another child so soon. One child plus one child did not equal two—we felt we had taken one child and now had four or five when counting the sleepless hours, diaper changes, feedings, and laundry.
Now we were the parents of two infants only fifteen months apart. Michael was four months with Jennifer a “big” nineteen months. I make a point of calling her the “big” sister because we treated her as though she was much older. In some respects I believe we did this unfairly although not consciously on our part. We hope you keep this in mind if faced with a similar situation.
Again, I would like to tell Michael’s story to adulthood in more detail later. For now here is a brief summary to the present—Michael’s adoption was complete on August 19, 1985. He is now twenty-five (2009). He went to the same neighborhood schools and graduated from high school in 2002. He played the trumpet in middle school which makes him the only child in our family to follow Dad’s musical interests; now he plays guitar, too. He was a standout soccer player from the age of five in AYSO, club soccer, and played on his high school team until breaking his ankle. At ten years old he and I started playing golf; I still “play” and he now shows me how the game is really played by scoring on a bad day in the low 80’s. (He plays only once or twice each quarter.) He was a member of his high school golf team and was their number one player. He graduated from California State University-San Francisco in 2008 with a Bachelor of Science degree in Statistics with an Emphasis in Economics. He is now in his final semester of his Master’s studies and will receive his Master of Science degree this spring (2010) in Mathematics with an Option in Applied Statistics at California State University-Long Beach. He plans to continue his education by earning a PhD after a year of practical work experience.
Most of all, we are proud and fortunate parents to have a son like Michael! Some of his early years were not all easy as you will learn later. The maturity he has exhibited the last few years with his studies has more than accounted for any trials we endured as his father and mother. We are excited by his future prospects and we will continue to support him in his efforts to achieve his goals.
My next installment on our blog is going to take a detour from introducing you to the Ruffin Family. You will learn of our involvement in the adoption community and how we assisted hundreds of children to come home to a loving family. It will be another step in our journey according to the “plan”. Please return for—“You Can’t Save Them All”.
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