Jennifer-Our Little Girl is Home

We received our first “official” correspondence from the County of Ventura regarding the Intercountry Adoption program on July 1, 1982. It was our first milestone to begin the waiting process. Some start the “waiting clock” when making their first inquiry while some start with formal approval of their paperwork. It’s similar to being pregnant except you have some expectation the pregnancy will last about nine months. For us the clock started when we were invited to call for a screening appointment with a social worker in October, 1982. Our “pregnancy” was to be thirteen months.

The interview was our first glimpse into the adoption process. It was an invasive type of interview where the questions are personal and we had reservations about answering. The social worker sensed our reluctance and then established the ground rules. Her priority was not to provide us with a child for adoption; her duty was the safety and long-term, well being of the child. She wanted to make certain we were suitable custodians of the child she might place in our care. Next question, please?

At the conclusion of our meeting we were given a list of paperwork to begin the actual home-study (and this was only the start of the paperwork):

(2) Certified copies of birth certificates each
(3) Certified copies of divorces each
(1) Certified copy of our marriage license
Copy of tax return
Savings verification
Family photos--
(2) Danny
(2) Lora
(4) Danny & Lora together
(1) Inside our home
(1) Outside our home
TB test result (Lora)
Serology test results for Danny & Lora

On February 25, 1983 we were approved for the placement of a healthy Korean or Korean/Caucasian female infant. The letter also had a friendly reminder we were now in another “waiting” period and we would be notified when the County received our child referral. We were required to attend four parent seminars held once a month before she arrived. I don’t think we realized it then but four required classes over four months meant our waiting could equal the same amount of time?

After what felt like an eternity (four months) we received word in late June that our referral was here. The information about Jennifer, as we had named her during the wait, was brief and we hung on every detail. She was born April 22, 1983 and was 3.7 kg (about 8 lbs, 2oz) and 18 ¾ inches long. Her birth mother had left her at a maternity clinic with no further details. A South Korean social worker gave her the name of KIM Joo Hee; the surname is spoken first. The meaning of her name was Joo (gifted) Hee (joy) and she indeed was our “gift of joy”. We named her Jennifer Catherine Kim Ruffin. Catherine was Lora’s mother’s name and we kept her Korean surname, Kim, as part of her new name. Her picture is shown here as we first saw her and she was beautiful!

If the waiting before her referral had been difficult it was now unbearable. We now had a picture and knowledge of a child destined to be our little girl and we wanted her home! In August we got a call from our social worker. She needed to meet with us as soon as possible which had an ominous sound to it. We had heard of kids being referred to a family and for some reason taken back without much explanation. We learned that Jennifer was sick and would we accept her, immediately, so that she could receive medical care here in the United States? There was no question we wanted her regardless of her health which was diagnosed as tuberculosis. We were then told to hang on but the wait should be “brief”.

Our “brief” delay turned into three more months. We received some updates on her medical condition but no word of her arrival until late November. Finally, her travel date was to be October 13, 1983.

Unless you’ve been there it’s hard to describe the scene at the airport. Jennifer was not the only infant coming home that day. We talked nervously with our family members and with other parents about common experiences of waiting, the paperwork, more waiting, and our big day. Jennifer’s flight had gone through Customs and Immigration in Seattle so once the airplane landed we only had a short wait. She “walked” out of the jet way in the arms of her escort who was an American studying in Korea. She handed Jennifer to Lora and our baby was home!

She was only twelve pounds that day at nearly seven months. Clearly she was under weight but otherwise looked fine. Lora changed her first diaper and dressed her in a “coming home” outfit which was a good way of checking her out from top to bottom. In her aunt’s station wagon on the way home I gave her a bottle of soy milk. She gulped it down so fast I didn’t even have to burp her—and you can guess what happened next? She anointed her new Daddy with the contents of her stomach and my first lesson was complete.

I’m going to turn back the clock about two months to a time when Lora’s father, Roy, became aware of Jennifer’s ethnicity. We had been talking about the adoption for months and somehow he missed the small detail about her coming from South Korea. When he realized this he made the mistake of opening his mouth before thinking. It wasn’t a racist comment but more along, “Why on earth did you go to Korea when there are so many kids here in the U.S.?” You had to feel sorry for him because Lora and her Mother descended on him like two hungry Dobermans chasing a rabbit. He realized his mistake and quickly retreated from the room.

I tell the story about Roy because of the day Jennifer came home. He was not a person to apologize with words and he had not said a word since his ethnic awakening. He and Catherine (Lora’s Mother) came to our house that first evening. Jennifer was in her crib fast asleep. Roy, the outspoken heavy truck salesman with the gruff exterior, stood at the foot of her bed and cried. We all knew from that moment Jennifer had this Grandpa wrapped around her tiny, little finger.

Jennifer’s homecoming was a huge event in our lives. Overnight, we went from two mid-thirties, Caucasian Americans (some would say “yuppies”) to parents of an infant from another country and race. We have never thought of her as anything other than our daughter. For those of you who might wonder if you can love an adopted child I will tell you there is no difference—None!

Sure, we’ve had those who stared at us trying to figure out what recessive gene caused us to have an Asian baby. And, we’ve had people approach in stores and ask, “Is she adopted?” I know they asked without malice—but really! Or, if I was alone with Jennifer I’m sure those same people assumed my spouse was Asian; but when the two of us walked through a store with our little girl it produced some very puzzled looks going from my face to Lora’s, back to Jennifer’s, etc.

One of my motivations for this blog is to give adopting parents an insight to the adult adoptee and I’ll talk about Jennifer as an adult in more detail, later. For now, here is a summary of her growing up into the beautiful, young lady she is today: She attended neighborhood schools until her graduation, with Honors, from high school. In high school she was a cheerleader, attended the first inauguration of President George W. Bush, and was an exchange student with her high school’s German program. She went to the University of California, San Diego, and received her Bachelor’s Degree in International Studies/Political Science with an emphasis in European Studies; in her junior year she studied abroad in Germany attending Luneburg University. After graduating from UCSD she earned her Multiple Subject Teaching Credential from California State University, Channel Islands. She is now twenty-six (2009) and preparing to move to Boston to seek a teaching position and to be closer to Mike who is doing post-doctoral studies, in physics, at MIT. And, yes, we are proud of her!

Jennifer prepared us for our next step in family building. Our plan was to have two children so please return for my next post, “Michael—I Want A Son”.

Crossroads—The word suggests there is a choice and that more than one path is available. In our case we believed, at the time, this was so but came to the undeniable conclusion our family designs were part of a much larger plan.

The following summarizes what we had accomplished on our journey so far:
We met, we married, and we made several unsuccessful attempts to have a child through artificial insemination. What’s next?

When the pregnancies did not work Lora was mad. She was mad at her body, the doctors, me, and God. How could God make her go through what it took to get pregnant only to take the child away? We believed in God but did not attend church at the time. (This is not going to be a piece about religion.) We did, however, begin to believe there was a plan and I believe you’ll agree that in the end it was not us in charge.

The following Bible verse is very special to us and I suggest keeping it in mind as we continue: Jeremiah 29:11—“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Lora later placed this verse on her mirror where we could see it, daily.

Remember, Lora’s child was to be a girl with blue-eyes and blonde hair. Adoption became our next crossroad. There are many available children without families but to find Lora’s little girl the method was to find a young mother whose intentions were to place her newborn, female infant for adoption.

We hired an attorney who specialized in adoptions. She gave us a list of California OB/GYN’s. Then she instructed us to get a nice couple’s picture and create an introductory letter stating our desire to find an infant. We were then to mail each doctor on the list a letter along with a picture—in other words we were marketing ourselves as prospective parents! The hope was that a doctor, with knowledge of an eligible child, would see our sales pitch and recommend us to the birth mother.

At the same time, we knew two couples who had done domestic adoptions. Both couples had brought their infant child home and we asked to meet on the chance we would gain insight to their success. What we learned was it was a very risky proposition. Unfortunately, both were already in custody battles because one, or both, birth parents had a change of heart.

We halted our processing of the letters, immediately. We determined we would have to disappear and leave all behind if a birth parent suddenly decided they wanted “our” child back. In fact, one of the couples we mentioned showed us their packed bags in case the court ruled against them. (The court awarded them custody so it wasn’t necessary.)

Now, what were we to do? Adoption did not look like a choice available to us. Lora’s OB/GYN then suggested we check into international adoption. He was aware of her little girl hopes but gently reminded her that being a Mom wasn’t about having a child through natural childbirth, or about eye or hair color, or the color of their skin. A child needed a loving home where they could grow up safe.

About now the “plan” is going to reveal one of its secrets. In all of California there are fifty-eight counties (in 1982). One county, and only one, had an International Adoption program subsidized by the state. Yep, you guessed it, our own Ventura County!

The Ventura County government administered the program and they held monthly orientation meeting for people like us. The first meeting we attended gave us the guidelines of the program and the people seemed nice. We also learned of the near zero chance of a birth parent making a custody claim after the child was in the United States. Still, Lora’s little girl idea was challenged by the County’s use of South Korea as the source of adoptable children. At least her little girl didn’t appear until one of the newly placed children found its way into Lora’s arms. At that instant, Lora looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, “I’ll take one like this.”

Thus began our journey down yet another path. As you will learn in the next post this path was not without its challenges. I’ll cover the details of the mounds of paperwork, the personally invasive interviews, and the waiting for “Jennifer-Our Little Girl is Home”.

Babies and Us

It was now 1980 and both Lora and I knew starting a family would hold certain challenges. I had known since 1974 that I was incapable of having children of my own due to my body’s inability to produce sperm. I had had a biopsy while in the Navy and the doctors called it “maturation arrest”. As a result we began our quest to gain knowledge of artificial insemination. This process had been one of the minor issues causing the end of my first marriage; my male ego just did not want someone else to impregnate my wife. Although an emotional dilemma for me it was sort of silly given my inability to do the deed, myself.

Lora, through an acquaintance, became aware of a place in Los Angeles called the Tyler Clinic. The doctors there had experience in working with infertile couples and so we pinned our family hopes on their expertise. This began a nearly two year saga of keeping track of temperature cycles, trips to Los Angeles, and waiting.

The first few months nothing happened. Lora then had a laparoscopy to determine if her body was producing eggs for the fertilization process to work. It was but the eggs were not finding their way to the meeting so hormone shots were given to stimulate them. Finally, Lora became pregnant in early 1981 with a projected due date in October.

This is where our story takes an unexpected turn. Lora carried the first pregnancy for thirteen weeks and then lost the baby. Over the next year Lora went through three more pregnancies only to lose the babies in those first months just as she had with the first. The doctors could not offer any explanation for what happened. The emotional toll was devastating even though Lora’s body was still capable of more attempts.

I don’t know if it’s possible for a male/husband to fully comprehend the physical and emotional impact of having a living, little being in them and then having no control over its loss. I do know that watching Lora go through this was difficult and there were intense emotional swings that would test any marriage.

Caren and husband, Jamaal in 2009


You need to understand Lora’s expectations and temperament to appreciate those months of waiting, cautious excitement, and crushing disappointment. Lora had expected to have not just any child but SHE was to be blond and blue-eyed. Ironically, her twin sister, Lorna, gave birth in March, 1981, to a blond, blue-eyed girl named Caren. It was a bittersweet pill to take while going through her personal nightmare. Caren’s relationship, to this day, with her Aunt Lora is special and I suspect she provides a sort of stand-in for those lost.

Okay, now we’ve told you the story of our meeting and the trials of our first years. You are invited back to share in the first details of starting our family. Through my first post you already know where we’re going but the steps getting there were many and I hope it tells an interesting tale? I’m going to call it “Crossroads”.

Introduction

The narrative of this blog is written in the first person by Danny. In all fairness, there is another side which would be from Lora’s perspective, however, because this blog has been started by me you may get my account, only. I will make every effort to make it as balanced as possible.


The Early Years—How We Met

I met Lora Vogt at Ventura High School in 1964. I was a junior and dated her twin sister, Lorna. Many years later my mother reminded me of when I told her, “I’d like to go out with Lora but she already has so many boyfriends!”

Lora 1966 Senior Picture


Danny 1965 Senior Picture


Flash forward fifteen years (1979) and I’m walking through the mall and run into Connie, a friend of Lora’s. She knows I’m going through a divorce (she had worked with my ex-wife) and she asked if I was dating. The simple answer was no. She suggested I should give Lora a call since she, too, was divorced and living in Ventura. “Match Maker” Connie called Lora to tell her of our meeting and her suggestion for me to call. Lora was furious at her friend and made it clear her match making efforts were destined for failure.

A few weeks later I’m thinking about giving Lora a call. No particular reason and my thought was it might be fun to have dinner and catch up on the years since high school. After gathering my courage I made the call and asked her out for the same evening to which she said no thanks because she had plans. (She later admitted there were no plans but she took issue with the short notice.) Deflated but not defeated, I called her back and asked for the following weekend to which she consented. It was obvious I had been away from dating for awhile when she commented, “Been a long time, huh, Danny?”

The next few months were a whirlwind of dating. After that casual first dinner I knew Lora was someone I wanted to know better and we mutually pursued one another in our new relationship. One amusing, and uncomfortable, evening I agreed to pick up Lora at her mother and father’s house to double-date with Lorna and her husband, Paul. Not only was I apprehensive at the prospect of seeing Lorna again but walking up to the house was a déjà vu experience right out of high school. When I knocked on the door Lorna answered with her mother alongside welcoming me just as she had done many years before.

We were married six months later on Valentine’s Day, 1980. It was a simple ceremony at the home of her parents with just a few friends and family. A heavy rainstorm was outside and someone mentioned that a marriage day with lots of rain produces a big family. Hold that thought because in future postings you will become to appreciate just how prophetic that was.

We had our wedding reception a few days later and more rain nearly kept our guests from arriving. We were leaving the next day for a honeymoon in Hawaii. Fortunately I booked plane tickets to Los Angeles from our local airport because the roads were closed when it came time to leave. It was, however, a roller coaster ride in a small plane for a terrifying fifteen minutes. Lora refused to get on the plane bound for Hawaii until we consumed a couple of Bloody Mary’s. She then relaxed enough to board where we found our seat assignments were overbooked. Our plane departed Los Angeles with us in separated seats but the flight attendants moved us to first class where we enjoyed free drinks until landing in Honolulu.

Returning to Ventura a week later we began the process of living as husband, wife and future parents. The plan was to have a family and because I was thirty-three with Lora only a year younger we knew we wanted to begin soon.

Now you know how we met. I’ll begin a new posting to cover the next few years and our attempts to start a family. Please come back for “Babies and Us”.

My First Post 12/14/09

My goal with this blog is to tell the story of how we started and grew our family through international adoption. Many friends and acquaintances through the years have urged us to write a book about our story so doing it through this blog looked like a convenient way to make the attempt.

While there are adoption stories published out there I have not seen many take the reader from the beginning through the children's adulthood. Such will be the intent of this blog and it's my hope it will inspire some to take the leap and adopt. Secondly, I hope our experience may serve some of you to deal with the growing pains of adolescent and adult adoptees from the "...been there, done that." perspective.

But first, I'm going to take this first blog and dedicate it to our annual family newsletter. Its a tradition started many years ago by this writer to bring family and friends up-to-date on the latest news of our family at Christmas time. It serves as our "Christmas Card" and it has gained a sort of notoriety in that the usual recipients are beginning to ask if it will makes its appearance again this holiday season. The answer is "Yes" if this new blogger can source the method to post it here? You can look at this as a little preview to future postings of the earlier years of the Ruffin Family. Merry Christmas and a Prosperous New Year!


Ruffin Family 2009

Here we are at Christmas
Another year has passed.
Its time for our letter
The news of all our cast.
What we did and where
Is listed here for you
Sit back, relax, and get comfy,
This letter’s overdue!


Running was the reason
We four got on a plane.
Destined for the east coast
Half-marathon, one-half sane.
Only one did run the course,
You’d say the rest did “rest”,
Across the line we drank the beer
But their cheering was the best!

Here’s surprise #1,
Its really quite a shock!
Michael is our youngest
And has always been a jock.
He’s nearly earned a Masters
In Statistics and there’s more,
A PhD he’s earning next,
We nearly hit the floor!

Our oldest son is next in verse,
He’s ventured from the nest.
Scott, is in Washington
And having a long rest.
Construction there is a little slow
And jobs are very tight,
Meanwhile he’s getting citizenship,
With paperwork done just right!


Kevin is our next to cover,
We’re glad to say he’s wella.
He works around some real fine wine
The vineyard’s name “itsa” Bella (Victorian).
He has a dog who is a beaut,
He’s big and black and white.
He acts just like a great big puppy,
Who likes to play not bite.


Zachary and Alexis,
Our grandkids not the last.
They live so very close to us,
And growing up so fast.
Alexis is seven and Zach is five,
Two kids with lots to do.
Shane & Christy do their best,
And are good at running, too!


Second surprise is coming next,
Our Jennifer is highlighted.
She’s moving soon, Boston bound
You’d say she is excited!
Following her heart & employment, too,
The guy you see we like.
We ask you all to wish her well,
And, oh yeah, his name is Mike.