Babies and Us

It was now 1980 and both Lora and I knew starting a family would hold certain challenges. I had known since 1974 that I was incapable of having children of my own due to my body’s inability to produce sperm. I had had a biopsy while in the Navy and the doctors called it “maturation arrest”. As a result we began our quest to gain knowledge of artificial insemination. This process had been one of the minor issues causing the end of my first marriage; my male ego just did not want someone else to impregnate my wife. Although an emotional dilemma for me it was sort of silly given my inability to do the deed, myself.

Lora, through an acquaintance, became aware of a place in Los Angeles called the Tyler Clinic. The doctors there had experience in working with infertile couples and so we pinned our family hopes on their expertise. This began a nearly two year saga of keeping track of temperature cycles, trips to Los Angeles, and waiting.

The first few months nothing happened. Lora then had a laparoscopy to determine if her body was producing eggs for the fertilization process to work. It was but the eggs were not finding their way to the meeting so hormone shots were given to stimulate them. Finally, Lora became pregnant in early 1981 with a projected due date in October.

This is where our story takes an unexpected turn. Lora carried the first pregnancy for thirteen weeks and then lost the baby. Over the next year Lora went through three more pregnancies only to lose the babies in those first months just as she had with the first. The doctors could not offer any explanation for what happened. The emotional toll was devastating even though Lora’s body was still capable of more attempts.

I don’t know if it’s possible for a male/husband to fully comprehend the physical and emotional impact of having a living, little being in them and then having no control over its loss. I do know that watching Lora go through this was difficult and there were intense emotional swings that would test any marriage.

Caren and husband, Jamaal in 2009


You need to understand Lora’s expectations and temperament to appreciate those months of waiting, cautious excitement, and crushing disappointment. Lora had expected to have not just any child but SHE was to be blond and blue-eyed. Ironically, her twin sister, Lorna, gave birth in March, 1981, to a blond, blue-eyed girl named Caren. It was a bittersweet pill to take while going through her personal nightmare. Caren’s relationship, to this day, with her Aunt Lora is special and I suspect she provides a sort of stand-in for those lost.

Okay, now we’ve told you the story of our meeting and the trials of our first years. You are invited back to share in the first details of starting our family. Through my first post you already know where we’re going but the steps getting there were many and I hope it tells an interesting tale? I’m going to call it “Crossroads”.